She's a Real Mother

Mutha's got eyes in the back of her head.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Great Things to Get for Your Birthday

Today is my day! And it has made me think about what great gifts I have received:

A trip to NYC which included maki from Morimoto's restaurant. No I didn't win a contest -- only the Husband Lottery.

Tickets to see Equus, which my husband called "Potter Shlong." See above.

My 8-year-old handed me his Spy Recorder at 6:30 a.m. When you push the button it plays his voice saying, "Happy Birthday, Mom!"

A vase of tiger lilies from my brother.

A video from my best friend's young twin sons proclaiming their love for my dimples.

A yard full of very pretty snow.

Now if only Varitek would just sign that deal the Red Sox have put on the table...
What's the best birthday present you ever got?

Monday, January 26, 2009

Sometimes People Drink Vodka and Do Strange Things

I found this while reading FAQ on a U2 site, in response to the question: Did Bono really take off his clothes in the middle of a crowded restaurant?
This is true. From Newsday March 27, 1992: At a dinner earlier this week at London's celebrity haunt, Nikita, Bono surprised his 18 dinner guests by removing all his clothes - including his black bikini briefs - for no apparent reason. During the Russian meal of mainly vodka and caviar, we're told the Irish rocker sat naked and acted as if being nude in a plush, crowded restaurant was the most natural thing in the world. Which, in some quarters, we suppose it is. "Sometimes people drink vodka and do strange things," Nikita owner Sylvain Borsi told us. But didn't he find Bono's behavior a bit eccentric, to say the least? "No, he was very nice and very civilized," Borsi said. "I think he just felt more comfortable with nothing on." But he had a really good reason! From Newsday March 30, 1992 : His spokesman says Bono was actually being interviewed by a journalist during dinner when the Irish rocker decided to undress, as we reported. "The writer was so unimaginative, so frozen, so unloose that Bono thought it would be a good idea to take his clothes off," the spokesman said. "And there wasn't much of a reaction."

Friday, January 16, 2009

What's Ann Coulter Doing on Tuesday?

Oh I just hate her -- and I have made that clear before. I also encouraged anyone who was game to spread the rumor that she was a drag queen. I can honestly say that I took a break after that. I ignored her. Then, right after the election last November, I heard the news that Ms. Coulter's jaw was broken and had been wired shut. My imagination ran wild -- who finally popped her one right in the mouth? The mind reels at the number of possible suspects.
But she's back and the gums are a-flappin. Her latest? That all successful blacks are successful only because of their playing of the "race card." That the world would be better with no Jews. I wish I were kidding -- or exaggerating -- but no, this is what Ann has to share. This is of course alongside her claim that all teachers are closet pedophiles, that all liberals are terrorist sympathisers. As frustrated as I am with her -- I am more frustrated with the majority of people who interview her. Jesus! Who is going to take her down!!?? Why has no one pointed out that she is constantly playing on the fact that she is a woman and legging blonds should simply be allowed to get away with more. If not, then why the hell is she constantly wearing little black cocktail dresses with plunging necklines? Even first thing in the morning on the Today show! Did she dress that way because slamming the 9/11 widows, telling them to shut up and take the money, was a blacktie affair?
As I feel my blood pressure start to rise -- I remind myself of the reason I finally settled on regarding what happened to Coulter's jaw: She found out Obama won and the mofo unhinged on its own.
And that makes me feel a whole lot better.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Things I Can't Believe I Like

I have always admired people who could continue to grow in their interests -- people who kept wanting to learn about new stuff even after their college years had passed and the "settled down" section had moved in. I mean, what's the alternative? Congealed stagnation? Ooooo...yuck. But with that said, I am stunned by what I have come to like in my forties because in some way it is an about-face to who I was in my younger days.

For instance:

The Terminator Movies: I know! Isn't that crazy?! I used to hate these things -- never spent money or a ticket or a rental. Then, a couple of years ago my husband talked me into watching Terminator 2 and I ended up loving it! Now I've seen the other -- including the very low budget original -- and I am so hooked. I gotta say though -- buff and psycho Linda Hamilton in T2 is my favorite part. She's just loony and kicks ass.

Boxing: When I was little, my brother had a big poster of Muhammad Ali towering over Sonny Liston on his bedroom wall. I was scared of it -- but also impressed. He was The Champ -- untouchable through out my whole childhood, and I can remember watching the Wide World of Sports waiting to hear him come on and recite poetry or simply look into the camera and insist with his own amazement, "I am so pretty!" But watching the actual fight upset me. I remember being confused that it was even called a sport. I thought it was just guys hitting each other. Fast forward to about three years ago. One night, by chance, I caught site of an old Ali fight on the Classic Sports channel, and was dazzled. His ability to move, his theatrics in the ring were suddenly not just a show but strategies. I then became a devotee to the series The Contender. If you haven't seen it is like Project Runway only the designers are boxers -- men train and challenge each other for weeks until it comes down to one pair. What I love is how much work and thought has to go into a match -- in other words, the opposite of my original impression. I can now admire any fight, and do. Imagine that.

Stuff Blowing Up: I used to hate to watch things get destroyed. I was the one person who would look away at a crash. Now I can't wait -- Show it again! Show it in slow motion! I have turned into the guys on Myth Busters who giggle and cheer when stuff goes BOOM! Now, I do have a threshold here folks -- I don't want to blow stuff up, even in video games -- And I really can not watch footage of people getting killed. But -- if those criterion are met well then FIRE IN THE HOLE!! What have I learned from this? In most cases, (Excluding of course ever becoming a Yankees fan during this incarnation) never say never. It is a lot more fun that way.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Let's Ask Oprah -- She's Knows Everything

I can honestly say, I feel an unconventional connection to Oprah. I do not watch her show, but she and I share the same birthday. Strange, but true -- and a good enough reason to check in now and again with what this incredibly powerful woman is thinking and preaching. So was the case this week, when I saw that she had decided to discuss her on-going weight issues in the pages of her magazine, O. It had become a national headline, of course: "Oprah says she is embarrassed by her weight," which made me feel for her. It's bad enough to feel that way -- it must suck to have to admit it to strangers. It also dispelled the myth I do nurture in my mind that if you are childless and wealthy enough, you can either have a team of people who make sure all your needs are met -- or you have all the time in the world to get your own damn needs taken care of.
Having said that though...
I can't help but wonder this: when you have a personal chef -- couldn't there be a lot of thought and care put into the kind of food that is served to you? Thought and care you don't have to invest? Couldn't you have a pre-arrangement in which you say, "I don't care how much I beg don't feed me a double-bacon cheeseburger."? If you have a personal trainer -- don't you have to simply show up and do what he/she says? These folks are paid to listen to bitching and moaning. For those of us who have to drag our asses home at the end of work, collect our kids, then cook the dinner -- Or drag our own sorry carcasses to the gym or the track or the town pool to try and get something like a workout under our belts a couple times a week -- I honestly believe there is only a slim comparison with what makes it tough for a woman like Oprah to feed and exercise her own body.
And yet -- here is what is ultimately interesting to me about the article: Oprah was not content with identifying the issues leading to her weight gain, but nailing down the solution. This also made me worry for her -- I mean, come on -- you sure you got all the answers?
Don't get me wrong, her answer is an valuable one: take care of yourself, make yourself a priority. It has been something I have had to think long and hard about this past year as a result of my own health issues. But one of things I had to learn the hard way -- and I offer to Oprah as a reflection -- is that letting go of our own sense of false power is an important element to self-care. That was hard enough for me to do in my teeny-tiny empire of work and home -- I can imagine it would be far more complex in the Oprah Universe.
In the end, I do not understand why it is true -- but I can only admit it: It's not easy to be Oprah. But listen, honey, our birthday is coming up and I'll bet there must be something nice you can do for yourself -- and I'm sure you've got some dough set aside to pay for it.